April 7, 2003

I am actually on an airplane on my way back home and felt that I should write one last time to finish my journal entries of my trip to the middle east. I have many mixed emotions about leaving before my job was done, but I also feel a responsibility to take care my mother, who just passed away. I found out late Saturday night that she had passed away in her sleep the night before.

I had just completed a very long and tiring day and had just lay down to go to sleep when I was woken up by my commander, who informed me of her passing. I was so shocked that I didn't quite know what to say. To say the least I was stunned. A flood of emotions ran through my heart and a variety of thoughts went through my head. Most of all I felt bad that she had left before I could say goodbye to her and give her a proper send off. But death doesn't always give you a heads up. My mother and I were very close and we have had so many good times together. I will miss her dearly.

The war has been going quite well the last few days, with our forces now entering Baghdad. We get a lot of intelligence that the news doesn't and we usually know ahead of the news what is going to happen. But, it has been great to have several news reporters embedded in with some of our front line units. They?re news stories have been very compelling. I am still apprehensive about what is going to happen next, with the fighting now entering the capitol city.

We have been sending teams of interrogators up North for short periods of time to perform certain missions. All of us have been jumping around a bit, gather a variety of intelligence from POWs, captured enemy documents and captured equipment. We have been sending our reports up to the command centers of the front line units, with valuable information that is definitely going to help them. There has been so much information to deal with and so many bits and pieces to this puzzle that we are putting together to prove our case. It has been very interesting to say the least.

Half of our unit moved north today to prepare the site for the main body. I feel that they are going to be up north in Iraq for some time gathering information and intelligence. There is so much to dig up and so many people to talk to about what has been going on in this country. It is really mind boggling to say the least. You would not believe the atrocities that have been going on. At this point for me I really don't care if we actually find the smoking gun, because there is going to be so much more to uncover and to report on.

I really feel bad that I have to leave before my mission is up. I was prepared to go the distance what ever that was. I was committed and I was going to see this through to the end. I feel a responsibility to my men also, that there is so much yet to do to take care of them and make sure they all return home safely. It is one of those situations where I want to go home and need to but on the other hand I don?t want to. I feel that I am doing my part and making a difference in my own little way. I will miss this place and I will feel bad about not finishing the fight.

After finding out about my mother I tried to email as many of you as I could to let you know that I will be leaving this place in the morning, so you won't send my any more packages. I feel really bad that I won't be here to receive any of them. Several of you have mentioned that you have sent packages but none have arrived yet. I feel terrible about that. I have told all the men I am with to open them up and eat or use the stuff that you sent in them. I really appreciate all you have done and grateful for your thoughtfulness. I am sure that all you have sent will go to good use by all the men.

I tried to call everyone back home today to see how everyone was doing with my mother's passing. I was impressed with my sister?s words, telling me to stay and finish my work here, that she would take care of everything with my mother. She understands me quite a bit, knowing my inner feelings about my duty here. But even so, I know I must go. The army is sending my anyway. They expect me to go home to take care of matters.

I couldn't sleep that night, my mind being full of so many different thoughts. I actually went outside for a moment to look up into the heavens to appreciate the stars and to look one more time at the big dipper pointing to the North Star, and my desire to go North to Baghdad.

In the morning I rose early to pack up my stuff and prepare to leave on a convoy going south to Camp DoHa, in Kuwait City. I was scheduled to leave around 10am, so I wasn?t in a big rush and it didn't take me long to pack up all my gear. Right before I left, while I was waiting in the front for the vehicles to arrive, about 60 of my men and co-workers came out to say their goodbyes. I was touched by that show of care and concern. Many of the men expressed their love for me, which brought me to tears. I really do love these men and I will never forget them. I was moved my their words of appreciation and their remarks that I will be missed greatly. In the end, right as I was leaving my commander Major XXXX came out, took me aside and with tears in his eyes said I was his strength and that he will miss me greatly. I cried as we drove off and I waved goodbye to the desert and all that I had become accustomed to.

That day was Sunday and they drove me into Camp DoHa to drop me off at the bus stop so that I could catch a bus to the airport. I was leaving from Kuwait City on a military transport that evening. I got there around 5pm, waited for the bus which got there at 7pm left for the airport so we could wait for the plane, which didn?t leave until 1:30 Monday morning. The plane I am on flew to an airbase in Saudi Arabia, where we picked up some more people, then stopped in Cyprus and I am currently on my way to Shannon Ireland then off to Baltimore, Chicago and finally home. It is going to be a long trip, but it is giving me plenty of time to think about things and prepare myself for what is to come.

I really want to say thanks to all of you. I really have appreciated your emails, your kind words and you love and support. I have a deep admiration for all of you. You are all very wonderful and you have made a difference to me and those around me. We are never alone in this kind of situation. I love all of you.

I will be different for I am different as a result of this experience. I look at life differently and appreciate things more. I value the little things in life that make our lives what they are. I hope I don?t forget these feelings that I have right now as I return home.